Thanksgiving was nice. I’d expected arguments over the dinner table about Obama, but that wasn’t the case.
Mom seemed a little hurt that I didn’t stay one more day. She said that she’s missed not seeing me much, but I needed to get back and do more cleaning before the new school term started.
A surprise was waiting for me when I got home: a check from my old company. It wasn’t severance pay, but $247 for “additional earnings”. I’ve no idea what that means. Some corrective accounting error? But I’m not going to complain if it helps pay the bills.
I wish I had an extra week to clean and organize because I really do like making clutter disappear and ending up with a more manageable, obstacle-free living space. The key word is “manageable”.
The thing is that these last two weeks I’ve had some disturbing dreams involving my ex-wife. She’s popped up in past dreams; but what made these latter dreams troubling is the setting. Past dreams involving her have been set in some public space or an unrecognizable room or building. But these last few have been in my house.
In the first one I was I sitting at my desk working on the computer when she walks into the room. She doesn’t acknowledge me. Instead of explaining why she’s here and how she got in, she’s studying a picture on the wall as if she’s touring a museum. I’m looking at her, waiting for her to turn around and say something. Eventually she’ll have to explain what she’s doing here.” But, no, she continues looking around the room at the walls, ignoring me as if she has a right to waltz into the house unnannounced. And I know, in her passive aggressive way, she’s waiting for me to address her before she’ll acknowledge me.
I become so frustrated by her treating as if I’m invisible that I get up and leave the room and the house. The stepkids are there in the front lawn, but I keep walking. This feels like an ambush, and I have to walk out my frustrations. I head to the park.
The next dream, which I had yesterday, was disturbing.
I’m sitting on my front porch frustrated. She’s inside the house, but so is my family. They’re visiting my house for the first time. The interior is decorated for Christmas, so this is a Christmas party. And it seems I’m still married to my ex. And it seems she’s also invited this man that we used to know who was and still is a horrible person. A truly toxic human being. But he’s cleaned up, shaven and dressed conservatively, looking all respectable and acting so cordial, so charming. My ex is also wearing this red sweater that I remember from our last Christmas with my family. And I can go on and on about why the sweater bothers me, but what it boils down to is that I see the sweater as a disguise of sorts, a camouflauge, a deceit.
I’m still outside on the porch but watching the party through the open front door. I’m overhearing this guy talk about himself and tell my family what I know are outright lies. And my wife is contributing to these lies because in this fabrication that they’re spinning she’s accomplished and taking credit for things that aren’t true. I take this as a huge sign of disrespect to me and my family.
Finally, I walk inside and confront them. I tell my ex among other things that what she’s doing is insulting, especially inviting this horrible man to the party and introducing him to my family. There’s lame excuses and feigned shock. But eventually I’m shouting at them, “This isn’t what I want! I don’t want this!” And suddenly, as I finish saying, “I don’t want this!” I open my eyes. I’m awake.
At first, I wondered if these dreams were a symbolic warning or message of some sort. But then I remembered these last couple weeks that I’ve been organizing my house, sorting through a lot of personal possessions, including old journals, trying to make my living space more manageable. And my subconscious could also be doing the same thing with dreams, sorting through a clutter of memories and issues in order to get my inner-home more manageable.
